


Iron Hearts

by SophiaRemembers



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Fluff, I really can't get enough of these two, Love, M/M, Spamono, omg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-11
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-02-08 09:31:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 8,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1935819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophiaRemembers/pseuds/SophiaRemembers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spamano. For Lovino and Antonio, love is a difficult thing, but despite it all, they might just find it possible. Based on the UN-Love You 30 Day Challenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Were Right About Me

**Chapter One: You Were Right About Me**

Lovino Vargas hated awkward situations, much like the one he was in now. Granted, he hated a great number of things, though perhaps hate was the wrong word, but he did hold a great disliking to them. Still, none of that was important. What was important was the situation he had somehow thrusted himself into.

                Antonio didn’t say anything, simply watched as Lovino avoided his gaze and fidgeted uncomfortably.

It bothered Lovino that Antonio didn’t seem as bothered with the situation as he was, he just seemed more lost than anything. How did he ever convince himself that this was ever a good idea? Locking himself in a deserted room after school just so he could talk with his fellow class mate. What’s worse, he somehow put Antonio between himself and the door. There was no escaping now.

“Lovi…” Antonio said gently as the younger boy pushed up from the desk and stood tapping his foot.

“Don’t call me that!” Lovino snapped. He took a breath and grumbled “I told you to stop calling me that,” with the same harshness.

Antonio lifted his hands in surrender, but kept his mouth shut.

Lovino sighed and ran a hand through his hair and looked at Antonio. “Look, I… I just wanted to say that… that you were right, about me.”

Antonio looked at him in shock, but let him continue. This was Lovino’s chance to talk, to say what he needed to say and really, this was the most Lovino had ever said too him.

“All those things you said the other day—“

“Lovino, I was angry, none of that was—“

“No, sometimes, anger brings out the truth and the other day, all that you said, about me, it was all true.”

Antonio clearly did not agree, there was an obvious hint of regret in his features, but he chose not to argue any further, it was clear that Lovino had words planned and wouldn’t be swayed.

“It’s all true. I’m selfish, rash, inconsiderate, and really kind of an ass. I don’t know what got in your head to make you fall for me in anyway, and I’m not going to say that I’m no good for you, but there was one other thing you said.”

He paused a moment as Antonio gave him a confused look. If he was being honest, the scene was starting to blur together.

“ _Unless you open up to yourself, you’re never going to allow yourself to be loved.”_ Lovino repeated.

Antonio froze. He remembered it clearly now. It wasn’t said out of anger, the anger had long gone by that point, leaving the words floating in air of disappointment.

There was silence for a long moment, before Lovino spoke again.

“It’s true and that’s why this can never work. You see it, but you just don’t believe it, you don’t _want_ to believe it. This is how I am, I’m not going to change. Even if I do, it wouldn’t be much for the better. I can’t be loved, not by you, not by anybody.”

Antonio frowned and finally he pushed up from the desk he was leaning against and pulled the younger boy into his arms. “Lovino, that is the biggest lie I’ve ever heard. You may not return the feelings or accept mine, but I will _always_ care for you, no matter what. Hate me all you want, but that won’t change anything.”

Lovino allowed himself to be held, if only for a moment before pushing away. Antonio let his arms fall, wishing they could have stayed around Lovino a little longer.

Lovino made towards the door, but paused with his hand on the handle. He turned and looked back at Antonio. “I know.”

The Spaniard could have sworn he heard sadness and regret in the tone, but before he could question it, Lovino disappeared from sight, leaving Antonio to wonder if he would ever see the true Lovino ever again.


	2. I Was Wrong About You

**Chapter Two: I was wrong about you**

 

When I first met you, I fell instantly. Well, I shouldn’t say instantly. It was slowly, bit by bit, and it never stopped. But eventually it hit me. I was in love with you. Right from the start I was in love, instantly, it just took a while for me to realize it.

All my life I believed that it was impossible to fall out of love, no matter how badly you were hurt or betrayed. You could move on, you could find someone else, you could love again, but you could never stop loving someone once you’ve started. Even now I believe that to be true more than ever. Your words hurt, but I understood, and my own were as true as ever. I would never stop loving you, no matter how much you pushed me away.

And that’s exactly what you did. You refused to accept anything beyond what you know, what you believed to be the truth. About yourself, about me, about our lives. You pushed and pushed and I pushed back. I don’t think you were expecting that, because for a moment, you faltered. You let up your guard and I took the chance to slip inside.

It was only for a moment, but it was enough. It was more than I could hope for. Now I knew that there was a chance, even if you refused to see it.

You said you would never change, that you weren’t the type of person that was capable of being loved, or at least loving anyone back. As I pushed harder than ever, I started to wonder if that was true. Was it really worth the effort to love someone who wasn’t even willing to return the feelings? But I won’t give up, I can never give up, not now.

All I can do is hope, with all my heart, that I was wrong about you. I think that you need me more than you want me. I need to break through that iron heart of yours. I need to be that person for you. I _will_ be that person for you, even if you don’t want me to be.


	3. This Cancels Out The Hurt

**Chapter Three: This Cancels Out the Hurt**

This was turning out to be a terrible day. One of those days that left you in a sour mood and everything was horrible no matter how good it actually was. Now it wasn’t uncommon to find Lovino in a bitter mood, it generally came as part of his personality and everyone learned to expect it. But today was an exception.

                “Out of my way, bastard.”

                Lovino shoved roughly into an unsuspecting freshman, causing the poor kid to spill her papers and books all over the floor. The Italian didn’t even seem to notice.

                “Woah! Lovino! Hold up!”

                The voice that called out to Lovino was only salt in the wound and Lovino visibly cringed, picking up his pace and shoving past a few more students.

                He crossed the finish line of the school doors and stepped out into the warm spring weather, thinking he was safe, he let up a little, surely he wouldn’t follow him this far, Antonio was more of a stickler for rules.

                As a firm hand landed on his shoulder, stopping him in mid step, he knew that he had let up too soon. Lovino set his foot back down, but refused to turn around. Antonio’s hand loosened slightly but remained in place, whether it was for the need of touch or because Antonio couldn’t quite yet trust Lovino to not run away, Lovino couldn’t quite discern.

“Lovi… Lovino,” Antonio said softly, making sure to correct himself. The last thing he wanted to do was to be on Lovino’s bad side in this sort of situation. Then again, it wasn’t like he didn’t have a permanent place already. Actually, Antonio was sure that he was the King and Supreme Ruler of Lovino’s bad side, with a castle and everything. Still, that never stopped Antonio from crossing into foreign territory.

“Lovino,” he said again, “What’s wrong?” _You’re more pissy than usual._ Antonio kept this particular words to himself, but they were clearly implied.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Lovino snapped, trying to shrug off the hand, it had been there long enough.

Antonio didn’t move his hand, but was shocked that after a shrug or two, Lovino gave up the fight. “Is this about Ludwig and Feliciano?” he asked gently, edging his way around the conversation, doing his best to avoid land mines.

Lovino finally turned around, but with the look on his face, Antonio couldn’t decide if this was an improvement or not.

“What the hell would it be about those two?!” he shouted. There were tears brimming his eyes, but it was clear he was fighting them.

Antonio’s chest tightened. He had only once before seen the boy cry and that was when his grandfather died. Lovino hadn’t been as close to the man as his brother, but he still took it rather hard. Antonio had barely known the Vargas brothers back then and they were so young he barely even remembered it. But now, Antonio was at a loss as to what would hurt his Lovino so badly.

“You never really liked Ludwig,” stated Antonio. He continued on when Lovino didn’t answer and avoided making eye contact. “And now they’re dating. It’s understandable that you’re upset.”

Lovino muttered something that was much like. “What would you know, you bastard.”

“You should try to be happy for your brother Lovino.”

This had Lovino looking at him with a harsh gaze. “I’m not going to pretend I’m happy that he’s going out with that potato loving bastard! I’m not going to pretend anything! It’s stupid and foolish and he’ll only get hurt in the end!”

There was a silence between them as they stared at each other for a long, thick moment and suddenly Antonio understood. He understood that look he had seen earlier on Lovino’s face, a look that wasn’t anger, but something else, he understood the foul mood, the need to flee, the slight shaking in Lovino’s hands. He understood the tears.

Without a word or thought, Antonio pulled Lovino close, pressing the younger boy’s face into his shoulder and wrapping an arm around his waist.

 _You’re hurt, aren’t you?_ He wanted to say. _You’re scared. You’re a frightened child, terrified of losing the only thing he believes he’s capable of loving. To make it even worse, you’re losing him to someone you can’t stand. You’re reminded that you believe that you will never be loved and that hurts more than you’ll admit, more than you expected. You’re hurt that he would leave you. You’re going to be alone and that scares you. But you don’t have to be, Lovino. If only you would accept what I know you’re capable of accepting, if only you could see the part of yourself that I see. The only thing keeping you from love is your belief that isn’t possible. Even if you won’t love me, Lovino, I refuse to let you be alone._ All of this ran through Antonio’s head but never passed his lips. Instead, he held tight to the scared boy in his arms, grateful for the silence that kept Lovino there. It was better this way, anyways. Enough words had been said and Lovino seemed better with the silence.

A warm spot gathered at Antonio’s shoulder and though they were silent, Antonio knew that Lovino was crying. Slight quivers passed through Lovino’s body, as Antonio held him close, rubbing absentminded circles on the back of his head. Yes, nothing needed to be said, Lovino already understood, all that was needed was the silence to do the rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, I've been super busy. Please enjoy all the same!


	4. I Need To Want You

Chapter Four: I Need to Want You

I’m lost.   
These are words I never thought I would ever say, but right now, they are the truth. My world has turned and I don’t know which is up. All my life I’ve been in control, I’ve had my hands gripping the steering wheel until my knuckles were white and my fingers were numb. And just like that, the steering wheel was gone. My hands were gripping nothing but air and I was falling. Deeper. Lower. There was nothing to stop me and so I just kept flying downwards towards that nothing.   
I’m betrayed.  
How could this happen to me. I have few friends, as I make sure to pick them wisely. Some might even say that I don’t have any at all, but he was always there. I was crude, I was rash. I was overprotective, I was worried. I was far from the doting older brother that you found in books, but I loved him and worried about him and did what I could to keep him safe. He was the one person, the only person I could count on at all times. Now he’s gone.   
“I’m sorry.”  
He would tell me these words, but he wouldn’t mean them. Or maybe he just wasn’t meaning them in the way I wanted him too.   
I’m selfish.  
I wanted him to regret that choice he made. For hurting me. For leaving me. He knew that choice would upset me. That Man made him happy, but what did I care? Did my happiness not count? I wanted him happy, what brother didn’t, but not at my expense.   
I’m alone.  
I never cared before. I’ve always been alone. You have better control when you’re alone. There’s no one there to take away the wheel. I liked it that way. He was such a follower, such a weakling, he wasn’t a problem. Sometimes he was even nice company. But there is only room for two on this ship of mine, so the choice will have to be his. If I have to sail alone, so be it.  
I’m caught.  
You’re strong hands are there, gently cradling me to the ground. It is unexpected, especially after the never ending fall. I want to push you away, but I no longer have the strength. I lash out, but still you touch me with those gentle hands and no longer do I want to run away.   
I’m weak.  
I want to stay and be held by you. I want to be told that it will be all okay. It’s not like me, but I need that friendly voice that always makes me flinch. I need that kind hand on my shoulder or in my hair. I need that annoying persistence. It’s not right, not in my world. To be wanted by you, by anyone would be letting go of the controls, but I already have that don’t I? You’ve wanted me since day one. That’s not what I need. What I need is to want you.  
I’m hurt.  
I’m broken.  
I’m wanted.  
I’m wanting.  
I’m wanting…  
I’m wanting… you.


	5. You Can Be Like Me

**Chapter Five: You Can Be Like Me**

Feleciano Vargas was worried about his brother. Lovino has been acting strangely in the past week or so and Feleciano wasn’t sure what to do.

“Strange how?” Ludwig asked as Feleciano expressed his worries over lunch one day.

Feleciano frowned and poked at his pasta with his fork. “I don’t know, but he doesn’t seem happy and he seems more protective but at the same time distant, like he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. What would you do Ludwig?” he asked.

Ludwig was silent a moment as he gave it some thought.

“First of all,” he said, after he finished chewing his food and swallowed. “That last bit didn’t make any sense, but have you tried talking to him?”

Feleciano frowned shamefully. “Not really, but he doesn’t really seem like he wants to talk…”

“Stop being a coward, Fele. Whether he wants it or not, you need to corner him, break down hid defenses and make him tell you all that he knows!” Ludwig slammed his fist lightly against the table, causing Fele to jump.

“Um..”

Ludwig cleared his throat, a little embarrassed by his outburst. “Well, perhaps not quite to that extent, but you get my point.”

Feleciano nodded, though he wasn’t sure he did.

Seconds later the bell rand and with a kiss on the cheek, the two headed to their separate classes.

~~~

After school that day, Feleciano waited for his brother like he usually did, and just like usual, Lovino walked straight past him without a word. But today Feleciano had resolved to finally get something out of his stubborn brother.

“Lovino! Wait!” he called.

As expected, Lovino hardly even paused in his quick steps.

Fele jogged to catch up, and reaching out, grabbed Lovino’s hand.

Lovino froze and turned around in shock.

“What’s wrong fratello?” Fele asked quickly before Lovino had a chance to escape.

Lovino tugged his hand away but didn’t move from where he stood.

“Nothing,” he said sharply. “Nothing is wrong.”

Feleciano frowned. “Is this about Ludwig, because he’s not bad. He’s a little scary at first but he’s really nice once you get to know him.”

“Why the hell would I be upset about that? I don’t care about the potato bastard!” Lovino snapped.

“But I really like him fratello. I think you could like him too.”

Lovino scoffed. “Like hell. There is no way I could ever like that potato bastard. Now go… do whatever it is you do with him. I’m going home.” He stomped off before Feleciano could say anything more but his little brother wouldn’t have it.

“He makes me really happy, Lovi. And I really think you could be too,” he said, rushing forward and trapping Lovino in a hug from behind. He grasped his brother tightly to his chest for a moment before releasing him. He leaned up and gave him a kiss on the cheek before running off to who knew where.

Lovino stood there in shock for a long moment before Antonio came up and ruffled his hair slightly.

“How much did you hear?” Lovino asked, his voice a slight growl.

Antonio shrugged. “All of it, pretty much.”

Lovino rolled his eyes and started back on his way home. “I don’t know what the hell he’s saying half the time. He just spouts nonsense.”

Antonio chuckled. “I thought it was pretty obvious what Feleciano was trying to say,” he said.

The Italian looked over at him with an incredulous look. “And what was that?”

“’You can be like me, fratello. You can be happy too, if you let yourself be loved by the ones who want to love you,’” said Antonio in a mock of Feleciano’s voice.

Lovino scoffed. “Like hell. Fele would never say that.”

Antonio shrugged. “True, but I think that’s what he meant. I think he wants you to be happy as much as anything. He found happiness with Ludwig so he believes that you can find the same happiness if you found someone to love.”

“Since when did you get around to thinking that your some smart old wise man?”

The Spaniard chuckled. “Didn’t you know? I’ve always been this way. I love you Lovino. You don’t need to go looking too far for that. You know everything I’ve said is true. So why not follow your brother’s advice?”

Lovino was silent. He never did answer Antonio’s question, but that didn’t seem to bother the Spaniard. Still, part of him answered unwillingly, saying that perhaps he might just do as Antonio said and follow Feleciano’s advice. Maybe there was a chance he could be happy, even without his brother by his side.     


	6. Just a Chance

** Chapter Six: Just a Chance **

****

                There are points in your life when things just happen. There really isn’t any explanation or warning, they just _happen_. Lovino was pretty sure that he was at one of those points now. He wasn’t sure how he ended up sitting at a table at lunch the next day, squashed between Antonio and Antonio’s friend, Francis. The third member of the group, Ludwig’s older brother Gilbert, sat across from them. All of them were obnoxious. Antonio he could handle… barely, but two more of these flirtatious cocky assholes? It was too much.

                Still, Lovino didn’t make any move to escape and even he wasn’t sure why.  Something had changed in the last several hours and Lovino had found himself giving Antonio a chance. Somehow that had ended up next to Antonio at the cramped lunch table.

                What scared him the most was the fact that it was actually kind of nice.

                Lovino poked at his food as Antonio laughed at something Gilbert had said. Lovino, of course, wasn’t really listening and had completely missed the comment. But a small nudge had him looking up.

                “You alright?” Antonio asked.

                “I’m fine,” Lovino answered, a little sharper than he intended.

                Antonio frowned but didn’t press and returned to his conversation with his friends.

                “So does this mean it’s finally happened?” Francis asked with a small smirk.

                “What’s happened?” Lovino asked, looking back up and following Francis’ gaze to Antonio.

                “You guys are finally dating right?” Gilbert said, leaning forward onto the table.

                Lovino sputtered slightly. “Hell no,” he snapped. “He asked me to come hang out and that’s all, there’s nothing more to it than that.”

                “But you two have been totally lusting after each other since day one,” said Francis.

                “I believe lusting is the wrong term Francis,” Antonio stated.

                “We weren’t lusting,” Lovino said bitterly. “And I assure you, that it was and still is, completely one sided. “ He grabbed his tray to stand, but Antonio grabbed his arm pulling him back down.

                “Calm down Lovino, it’s not that big of a deal.”

                Lovino opened his mouth for some sort of bitchy comeback, but shut it again, deciding silence was the best answer in this case.

                Antonio sighed. “Lay off guys, we’re not dating.”

                Both Francis and Gilbert shrugged after eyeing Lovino a moment.

                “Hey, Lovino, why don’t you come over to my house after school today?” Antonio suggested.

                Lovino shot him a dark look, shoving a bite of food forcefully into his mouth. “Why the hell would I want to go to your house bastard?”

                Antonio smiled, though he couldn’t imagine why. “I just thought it would be nice.”

                The Italian took a few more bites, debating over his answer  for as long as he could before Antonio’s expecting stare got to be too much.

                “Fine,” he grumbled.

                “Wonderful!” Antonio said, leaning in and pecking Lovino on the cheek, causing a light blush to come to his cheeks and snickers to come from both Gilbert and Francis.

                “Get off me bastard! What the hell!” Lovino cried, shoving the older man away.

                Once again, Antonio smiled at him, not saying a word and Lovino found himself just a little less angry.

~~~

               

                As Lovino knocked on Antonio’s door, he found himself far more nervous than he wanted to be. Every second that passed was making him regret his decision more and more.  He wasn’t sure how long he waited there, fidgeting restlessly on his feet, before the door finally opened and Antonio stood there before him, with his usual smile.

                “Lovino, you came!” he said, as if he hadn’t expected the younger man to show. Perhaps he didn’t.

                “Of course, I said I would, didn’t I?” he said stepping past him and dropping his backpack by the door and slipping off his shoes. Already he acted like he belonged there. While he chalked it up to a defense mechanism, it still bothered him how comfortable he felt now that Antonio was there and he was finally inside.

                “We can just go to the living room,” Antonio said, leading the way down the hall.

                Lovino followed, not quite sure what to expect from this little get together.

                “Do you want anything to eat or drink?” Antonio asked as his guest sat down on the couch.

                Lovino shook his head and the Spaniard sat down next to him on the other end of the sofa.

                It was silent for a moment as the younger boy took in the room for a moment before turning back to face Antonio.

                “Why did you invite me here?” the Italian demanded.

                Antonio blinked, clearly not expecting the question. “Why, because I wanted to hang out,” he answered as honestly as he could.

                “Really.”

               “That’s the truth Lovino! I finally got you to at least come eat lunch with me, that was an accomplishment and a half. But you seemed so uncomfortable that I invited you over here so you didn’t have to bother with my friends. You know you don’t have to worry when it comes to me so I was hoping you would be a little more comfortable here. I wasn’t sure you would actually accept, much less come, but I really hoped and I’m really glad you did.”

                Antonio had somehow scooted a little closer as he spoke and Lovino only noticed once he had stopped speaking.

                He had realized how nice it was that Antonio had taken notice of him and consideration for him like that. The truth was, he was more comfortable here, where it was just the two of them. Against what Lovino thought was his better judgment, he had unwittingly and unwillingly started to trust the Spaniard. So when Antonio reached out and gently, cautiously took his hand, he didn’t pull away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, just a note that from this point on, I am no longer following the prompt challenge (this chapter included). I'm pretty much going with each chapter as it comes, so they're going to be rather sporadic and such. My apologies for the wait, thank you so much for sticking with me! Please kudo and review if you get the chance! Thank you for reading!


	7. This is War

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! So just so you know, from here on out I will be no longer following the 30 day challenge. All chapters are prompted from my own head from now on, thank you lovelies!

** Chapter Seven: This is War **

 

                I don’t know how it happened, but you’ve invaded my life. Stormed my beaches like this was World War III. And that’s exactly what this is. A war. The thing is, I’m not sure what I’m fighting for or against or what this war is even about. I was so sure of everything before you came, sure of my future, sure of my emotions, sure of my thoughts. But now everything is turned around, upside down and I can’t tell if the air is getting easier to breathe or if I’m drowning.

                Still, there is one certainty. Your hand. A little bigger than mine and warm like a Spanish summer, it’s always there. Any moment I could take it, grasp it, spread my fingers through yours and the world would stop spinning. Everything would make sense. If only for a moment.

                I know you wouldn’t mind, you would hold on tight and pull me from the war torn wreckage, brush the dirt from my hair and smile at me like we hadn’t just face the battle of our lives.

                As the time passes and weeks roll by, I find myself by your side more often. I act like it’s done bitterly and out of annoyance, like I was forced into it, but more and more it becomes harder to pretend. I think you notice and always you smile, like you know everything. Why do you have to look so deep into me with those sparkling eyes? The more I struggle the more you seem at ease and I start to wonder if I’m the only one fighting in this war.

                Still, fighting or not, you’re always there, standing in the aftermath of battle, and I realize that while this battle seemed to be raging outside of myself the whole time, it had been a civil war the whole time. Even so, you were there, watching over me, waiting, supporting. Why did you have to be so damn understanding?

                I standing in the sunshine, I slide my hand into yours and our fingers link. There is no shock, you just look at me with that damn smile, like this was completely normal. Like you didn’t just stop the war with a single touch. Like you knew the whole time that this would be my choice. Like you always trusted me to come to the realization that this is what I wanted. You hold my hand like that’s where it always belonged, and perhaps you’re right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a long wait! Thank you for doing so and I hope you're enjoying the story so far. Please continue your support!


	8. Please Don't Leave

** Chapter Eight **

** Please Don’t Leave**

Lovino sat with his boyfriend, eating lunch in a quiet corner of the school yard. Antonio’s hand covered that way as if they just happened to fall there. They weren’t exactly holding hands, but the placement was clearly intentional and Lovino’s forced ignorance of it clearly showed that he didn’t mind. This is what boyfriends did after all, wasn’t it?

                Boyfriends. The term was still odd to him. It had been a couple weeks, but still at this point the term was nothing more in meaning than holding hands and sitting a little closer on the couch when watching movies. There had been no kissing and very little embrassing. Of course Antonio tried, but Lovino wouldn’t have it. He just wasn’t ready, the relationship itself was something he had to handle first. If anything, Lovino had to admit that he respected Anotnio’s patience and respect.

                Currently though he was acting strangely. Antonio was quieter than usual and the silence they had been sitting through since the lunch period began was something Lovino enjoyed, but coming from the older man it was simply worrisome. He was usually much more talkative. His usual bright and cheery smile had fallen to something more solemn and it was clear there was something on his mind that was bothering him. Lovino wondered when he had started noticing such details about Antonio.

                “Just spit it out already,” Lovino said, trying to avoid snapping.  

                “What?” Antonio asked. As if he didn’t know.

                “Something is clearly bothering you. If you have something to say you might as well just come up and say it otherwise you’re just going to keep sitting there all weird and quiet like and ruin my lunch.”

                Antonio blinked and then chuckled lightly. “I suppose you are right Lovi. Well, we have winter break coming up.”

                “Yeah, what about it?” Lovino asked, taking a bite of his sandwich.

                “Well, my family is going back to Spain to visit my grandparents for the holidays.”

                A silence fell between them again, but it was different before as they held more of a silent conversation, saying things they would never let pass their lips.

                “So? I guess I’ll see you after break, have fun,” Lovino said with a shrug, but Antonio didn’t miss the disappointment in his voice.

                He watched Lovino for a moment, the younger man not even looking at him. Finally, Antonio smiled. “Yeah, you’re right,” he said, he leaned over and kissed Lovino’s cheek .

                Lovino blushed but didn’t say a word.

~~~

                “I’ll write you,” Antonio said with a smile as he took Lovino’s hand. The car sat running outside on the street. Antonio’s parents waited patiently as he said his goodbyes.

                Lovino rolled his eyes, leave it to Antonio to make this a sappy moment and say stupid stuff like that.

                “You’re going to be gone for two weeks, you’ll be back before the letter,” Lovino stated.

                “Fine, I’ll call,” Antonio replied, amused.

                “Don’t waste the minutes. Just email will be fine.”

                “You always were hard to please.”

                “Then why did you fall for me? If it’s going to be so much effort… bastard.” Lovino tacked on the insult for good measure but at this point it was more of a term of endearment than anything worth taking offense over.

                Antonio chuckled. “I’ll miss you,” he said.

                “Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn’t be leaving then, it’s your own damn fault,” Lovino replied bitterly.

                Antonio’s smile brightened considerably.

                “I love you Lovi,” he said, leaning in and kissing him.

                It was quickly, hardly considered anything more than a peck, but still it made Lovino’s face flush and his lips tingle. With a mix of dread and excitement Lovino realized he wanted more, but he didn’t take it. He gave Antonio a half-hearted shove.

                “Just leave already you bastard, and make sure you hurry back,” he said.

                Antonio wrapped him in a tight hug and buried his face in the younger man’s hair. “As long as it’s to you, I could never run faster.”

                Lovino relaxed into the embrace but ended up rolling his eyes again and pushing him off. “Stop saying stupid shit,” he said, keeping his head down to hide the fact that his eyes were starting to gather tears.

                Antonio placed a kiss to his forehead for good measure. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

                “Whatever,” Lovino grumbled, turning away. The last thing needed was for Antonio to see him cry, the last thing he needed was to see him walk out that door. Since when was two weeks such a big deal? “You’re going to miss your flight if you don’t leave.”

                “Yeah, good bye Lovino.”

                Lovino didn’t answer until he heard the doorknob turn.

                “Good bye,” he replied, the closing of the door accenting his words as silence filled the room and a chill took over. Lovino took a deep breath. These two weeks were going to be harder than expected. He let the tears fall.


	9. My Words To You

** Chapter Nine **

                **My Words To You**

****

                _Hey Lovi!_

_Well, I made it here safely, as you can imagine. I couldn’t wait to send you this email! I haven’t slept yet since I arrived, I wanted to talk to you first. You would probably call me an idiot or a bastard, tell me not to be so foolish and that you could wait, but you see, I really couldn’t._

_I really do wish you were here with me, Spain is as beautiful as I remember, even if I haven’t been here in years. You should see it Lovi! It’s pleasant here, still cold, but not as bad as it can get in the US. Do you like the snow Lovi? I don’t think I ever asked you that. I love the snow, even if I prefer the warmth of the summer months._

_Tomorrow we go to visit the ocean in the Valencia. That’s less than a two hour drive, can you believe it? Places are much faster to get to here than they seem in America. I can drive two hours and be in another country here, while driving all day can often times keep you in the same state in America. It’s funny to think about, don’t you think Lovi? How the world can be so small, yet so vast._

_Well I must be going to bed here now, I hope to hear from you seen. I promise to email you every day and tell you about the things I’m doing! I don’t want you to miss any of it Lovi! Even if you can’t be here with me._

_See you soon,_

_Antonio_

Antonio kept his promise and every day, Lovino found a new message in his mail box.  They were all basically the same, asking about how Lovino was doing, telling him about his day in the wonders of Spain before going on to explain their plans for tomorrow. Anotonio always said how he wished Lovino could be there with him, but never once wrote the words ‘I miss you’ or ‘I can’t wait to see you again.’ Lovino pretended he didn’t notice, but part of him hurt at the thought, as much as he tried to ignore it. What did it matter anyways? Those words were meaningless. Obviously Antonio missed him, even if he didn’t say it. It was only two weeks anyways. That wasn’t enough time to miss anyone, especially when you were having as much fun as Antonio seemed to be having.

                Still, Lovino longed to have his fingers wrapped around the warmth of a tanned Spanish hand, to have Antonio play his guitar and smile at him with those bright, cheerful green eyes. He longed for it more than he wanted too, and watching his brother with that potato bastard didn’t help.

                Lovino did his best to reply, but often found that his responses were agonizingly short and often delayed. Even when he couldn’t reply every day, Antonio seemed to be ecstatic with every message he received.

                The next two weeks passed like a turtle through molasses. Christmas and New Years were passed and while Lovino enjoyed them, his mind often wandered to that certain Spanish boy.

                Somehow, Lovino had ended up agreeing to meet Antonio at the airport. There was still two days until he landed, but Lovino found he was nervous, or was it excited? Honestly, he couldn’t tell. Airport meetings were strangely romantic weren’t they? Lovino doubted there were anything like he saw in the movies where they get off the plane and the lover runs across the terminal to meet them in a loving embrace and heartwarming kiss. Even it was, Lovino didn’t think he could stand it being like that. Antonio would love it though.

                A knock at his door had Lovino looking up from his thoughts.

                “Yeah?” he called.

                “There’s a letter here for you,” Feliciano said, bounding into the room was his usually energy.

                “A letter?” he asked.

                “Yeah! From Antonio! He must have sent it all the way from Spain!” he said, handing over the white envelope, marked with stamps and Antonio’s familiar handwriting.

                Lovino blinked, taking the letter slowly and staring down at the name and address imprinted on it. He couldn’t believe it, even after all the emails, even after telling him that it wouldn’t arrive on time, Antonio had written a letter. How it arrived on time was simply a miracle.

                “That bastard,” he muttered.

                With his hands shaking slightly, he turned it over and worked his finger under the seal. Feliciano watched with anticipation before there was a knock at the door and he dashed off to answer it, an excited cry of Ludwig’s name leaving his lips.

                Lovino opened the letter before standing to close the door behind his brother. He was grateful for the privacy as he sat back down on his bed and slowly pulled the letter from the envelope.

                _My Lovino,_

Lovino’s breath caught unwillingly. Already this letter was much different from any of the emails. There was a careful precision in which Lovino’s name had been written, it was neat and light and strangely beautiful in Antonio’s handwriting.

                _I’m writing this letter on the plane ride to Spain, with hopes that I can mail it out as soon as possible. The plane hasn’t left yet and already I miss you so much. I miss your bitter attitude that hides how much you care, the loving way you call me ‘bastard’, the way your eyes light up with your amused by something I say. I miss it all my Lovino and emails were just not going to be enough to express any of it._

_I apologize if this is too fast, perhaps I have fallen in love far too easily. That’s what everybody seems to say and I’m sure if anyone but you was to read this letter, they would roll their eyes. Well, what am I kidding? You’re probably one of those people._

_Still, I wanted to say, I love you. I don’t think I say it enough, and most of the time I don’t think you believe me, but here it is, in writing with my signature at the bottom. I know you haven’t said it back, but you don’t have to. Love isn’t as easy for you Lovino, but that’s why you have me, I have enough for the both of us and I’m willing to share, if you would let me._

_I fell in love long before you acknowledged my existence, and waiting all that time just to tell you how I felt has been enough to prove to myself that I can wait however long you need me. Fall in love slowly Lovino, for it is a beautiful thing to cherish and hold, and every little step you take is one step closer to waiting arms. Look how far we’ve made it already!_

_I apologize that I had to leave, I really wish I could have spent Christmas with you, but there’s always next year, right? We have to hope that there’s next year because I can’t stand the thought that maybe this time next year we’ll be further apart instead of closer together as we should be._

_I may have fallen in love too fast, but I love you Lovino and it has been worth every second. If I have one piece of advice, it’s to fall in love for yourself. Not for me, not for your brother, not for anyone but yourself. While it is shared, Love is a personal thing and if you can’t do it for yourself it’s not true._

_I’m so very happy that you’ve made it this far, that I can call you my boyfriend and hold your hand, that I can feel you by my side, knowing that you’re starting to feel the same. I miss you, Lovino, and I love you._

_With you always,_

_Your Antonio_

                               

                The ink bled slightly where drops of water had hit the print. Lovino could only assume there were tears and as another hit the page he realized that they were his own. Gasping lightly he reached up and wiped them away. When had he started crying? Well, it was the damn bastard’s fault anyways, getting so sentimental with a couple pages of a silly letter.

                Before he knew it, Lovino was reading it again, eyes lingering on the words he had longed to hear more than he realized. _I miss you. I love you. Lovino._ It was strange how he seemed to hear those middle three words every day, but here, on the page, they were completely different. Deep and meaningful, strong and sure. And that name. Antonio had taken to calling him Lovi as of late, as soon as Lovino would allow it, but here, not once was the nickname used. His name seemed to stick out from the page, different from every word surrounding it. It was as if Antonio has paused every time he came to write it, taking careful and loving strokes to write out all six letters.

                After a third read through, Lovino forced himself to stop, folding the paper back up and sliding it into envelope with care.

                “Stupid bastard,” he said as he tucked the letter into the drawer in his nightstand, but still his eyes lingered on Antonio’s name and as he slid the drawer shut once more, he was smiling.


	10. It Won't Be Like That

** Chapter Ten **

** It Won’t Be Like That**

****

                Lovino was early. Far too early in his opinion to look anything less than desperate. He scoffed at himself, pulling out the letter that had somehow made its way into his pocket. No more had come and really Lovino hadn’t been expecting any more. If he was truly honest, this handwritten page was more than enough, but why he felt the need to bring it with him everywhere, even to school, the past couple of days, was beyond him. What he did know was that he had felt empty without it and in the end always had it folded into his pocket whenever he left the house.

                Of course, today was no different, as was proven by the fact that he was shoving it once more into his pocket out of sight only to have it in his grasp minutes later. It had almost become a nervous habit that he pull it out and unfold it, even if he never read it. Fingering the already worn page had a calming sense as he glanced at the clock and realized there was only a few minutes left before Antonio’s plane landed.

                Shoving the letter into his back pocket he grumbled to himself. The last thing he wanted was to let Antonio see him clinging to the letter like a child to their security blanket. No, it would be bad enough if Antonio found out that he kept it around in the first place.

                Sighing, he began to pace slightly, watching the minutes tick down. He should never had offered to come, make the bastard come running to him for once. If anything, he shouldn’t have tried so hard to convince his parents to let him come alone. Still, the decisions were made and now here he was with the plane surely landed, letter back in hand before he had realized he had grabbed it, pacing the open area by the baggage claim.

                Right on cue, people started filing down the hall to the area where he was standing. He counted, peering over heads and around shoulders in an attempt to find that bright smile.

                14….15…16, 17, 18…. Antonio.

                The numbers shifted easily into a name as Lovino caught sight of the Spanish man. Lovino took a deep breath and for a long moment and just stared. Antonio had yet to notice him and while he longed to be seen, to see the laughing eyes that currently looked away trained on him, he was afraid to call out, voice caught in his throat.

                When Antonio finally turned and looked at him, Lovino could see his chest swell with a deep breath and his face lit up with a smile brighter than Lovino had ever seen in his time of knowing him. F

                For several endless seconds they just stood there, Lovino looking almost scared, Antonio smiling like he had sunshine stored around in his pockets. It took a bit but Lovino finally realized that Antonio had stopped walking towards him and just stood there smiling. The idiot, why did he stop?

                Lovino’s mouth fell open slightly as the Spaniard dropped his bags as spread his arms in a welcoming gesture.

                The Italian all but scoffed, turning his head and crossing his arms. Did he really expect this to be like some romantic comedy where he went racing across the airport like some love stricken damsel idiot, to be swept into the arms of the man she loved? No way, he was far from any damsel and like hell was he going to be making a scene. It had only been two weeks dammit!

                Still, when he finally looked back, Antonio had not changed. There he stood, continuing to smile, continuing to wait with open, warm and welcome arms. But that was it, wasn’t it? Antonio would always be there, waiting patiently, always welcome, always warm. Always just for him, a bastard that didn’t think he could love or be loved in return.

                Suddenly, Lovino dropped his arms, the worn letter fluttering to the ground beside his feet as he rushed forward. The minute he had his face buried in Antonio’s shoulder he felt arms close around him and he was filled with a warmth he never realized he was missing. A warmth that the letter had seemed to fill him with before but it never reached the level he was feeling now.

                He took a deep breath, letting himself live in the moment, letting himself get sentimental for once. When Antonio placed a kiss to the top of his head he didn’t move, didn’t say a word. And when Antonio leaned down and whispered, “I’m home” happily, gently into his ear, he knew that it was true.

 

               


	11. This isn't a Happy Ending

Chapter Eleven  
This Isn’t A Happy Ending

Things have change. How much and how quickly they have changed. Feliciano is gone, but I’m not as lonely as I thought, as I knew I would be. Even with everything that happened, I never expected you to be such a big part of my life. I thought you were just a pebble the caused annoying ripples in my pond, but you caused waves and eventually, I realized that you made me grown and now I am an ocean.  
I’m not happy with Feliciano’s departure, but you have a way of making things okay, even when they aren’t. I don’t know what possessed me to let him go, but somehow, with you there, it was easier.  
Still, it’s not about him anymore is it? I always thought that it was always him, Feliciano, Feliciano, Feliciano, bright and innocent, happy, friendly, energetic, the complete opposite of me, the one everyone was drawn to, the one everyone liked, the favorite. But you, you always only saw me. That was always impossible, but you were always impossible and I’ve finally accepted that.  
I cherish it all, every touch, every kiss, every smile, every time you say my name, whether it’s with that amused and laughing tone, or that lusty one after we kiss that causes my whole body to catch on fire. Every moment we’re together, every moment we’re apart is surprisingly precious, but if I’m being honest I’m scared. Scared you’ll wake up and realize I’m not the one you want. I’ve finally found something I never knew I had, that I never knew I wanted, and I’m frightened of losing it.  
I don’t know what the future has in store for us, whether some petty fight will send us our different ways, if we’ll get married and grow old together, or maybe we’ll just agree to be friends when we realize that it’s not working out. I’m not sure what I want, ‘together forever’ is pretty scary and I can’t see that, not yet. I may not be able to see the future but I can see the present and there is one thing I can say for certain.  
I don’t want us to be a happy ending, because despite everything, I don’t want us to end, happy or not. So maybe I do want us to continue on forever. Really, it’s as the old saying says, only time will tell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, finally reached the end. Strange story but I enjoyed writing it, I hope you all enjoyed reading it and please check out my page for more stories. Thank you so much for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone and thank you for reading! Sorry this is so short, but I don't really expect any of these to be too long. ^^ I hope you enjoy all the same. Thank you!


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